Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.

Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes I see that now

I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment

[spelling bee]

moderator: your word is abandon

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: everyone you love will abandon you

me: omg

moderator: lol no not even close

Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

no their not

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me

[Veterans Hospital]

GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?

ME: Haha, well…interesting story

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.

The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”