@Torgo_phylum

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

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@Vodkantots

The rest of these people must be totally shitfaced.

-me, driving in England

@TheTalkingPipe

Don’t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you’re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.

@fro_vo

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

@quikkim

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

@50NerdsofGrey

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

@Parkerlawyer

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

@DanMentos

“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

@notalogin

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

@QwertyJones3

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

@bridger_w

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works