King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
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My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Tough love is true love
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.