Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn

It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

[taking a hearing test]

DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard

ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work

DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

Mobster: we need to set up a shell company

Lobster: let me handle this, boss

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]

Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.

6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

#SuperBowl

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job