Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maths meets science

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

Denise please return my vape pen

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”

🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.

Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”