Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts

It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

Everyone is awful in their own special way.

My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”

The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

Okay

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.