KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
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GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.