Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee

Me: 🎵 mama

My Mom: hi son

Me: 🎵 just killed a man

My Mom: new phone who dis

The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK

In truth, spiders are harmless*

*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer

3: for forever?! Yay!!

Me: for five more minutes

3: *bursts into tears*

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me

Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

[product design]

CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures

me: OK should they be easy to open?

CEO: absolutely not

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

What do you call someone who chews all day?

A train

West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(