Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.

MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.

Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—

Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO

Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

All Amazon reviews are like

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy

⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework

KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now

alcoholic: you drive me to drink

designated driver: ok

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

the chicken was already gone when I got here