King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
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How I like cutting carbs
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
awkward
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
rapatouille
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.