King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
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nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
we’re gonna need another temp
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.