Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash

Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.

i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMFAO

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.

me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous

me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so

LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!

ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays

Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.

I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”