King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
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-Sir, it’s a yard sale
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?