King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
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*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.