Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers

Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone

About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.

Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some

Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.

I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”