king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
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Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
I love it
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.