King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
You Might Also Like
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Nomnomnomnom
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
All my passwords are protected by short term memory loss.
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
lumberjacks will cut a birch