King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
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Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
23. the denim jacket
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
I’m aging like a fine banana
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
👍
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that