King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
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Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
mariah carrie
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
i- i did not expect this
