King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
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They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Had an epiphany today.
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.