King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
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The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.