King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
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I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.