King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
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In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
why am I working on Labor Day
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?