Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.

Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.

Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament

Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel

“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”

My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.

This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?

COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.