king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
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*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
But wait…
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
🐿️
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
About to throw up
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.