king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
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Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Story time
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
