Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.

Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.

I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

[varnishing an old rocker]

keith richards: what the hell man

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen

My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.

Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.

Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.

Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.

He was a Norman Cook.

Woke up with morning Yule Log

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity