Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.

me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it

ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?

Do you want contact-free delivery?

□ Yes
▣ No

hmm conte-me mais

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

Maybe I’m delusional, but I swear this train is following me.

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah

ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR

HER: do you want dessert?

ME: ok, but just a small slice.

shit just got real

me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

had to share :’)

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it