King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
You Might Also Like
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
The chart results are in…
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then