@AbbieEvansXO

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

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@underrateDad

“Who peed in here and didn’t flush?” is the new “good morning” in my house…

@3sunzzz

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

@becks_bradley

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

@BlindChow

The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”

@jellybnbonanza

My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.

@DaddyJew

I’m like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese

@Book_Krazy

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

@KKAlThani

Salad tastes pretty good once you add some Nutella and throw away the salad.

@dumbbeezie

Holiday tip. Always buy people gifts that you would like for yourself in case they piss you off before Christmas

@citizenkawala

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.