King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

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“Who peed in here and didn’t flush?” is the new “good morning” in my house…


If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.


Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.


The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”


My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.


I’m like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese


Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”


Salad tastes pretty good once you add some Nutella and throw away the salad.


Holiday tip. Always buy people gifts that you would like for yourself in case they piss you off before Christmas


If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.