Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now

“Right, whose round is it?”

Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.

“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.

Taco Bell: try this new thing

Me: what is it

TB: does it matter

Me: no I’ll take 3

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?

Tier 3 meme

*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date