Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅

Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.

telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?

Me:…

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

No more excuses…

…I’m canceling that gym membership.

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society

I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?

I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you