King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
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*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone