Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.

So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”

I replied “sorry I’m married.”

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!

Me: Good luck with that.

(4am)

Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.

Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.

Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

Interview Tip #3

speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself

[later]

Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?

Me: *confidently* nothing

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

Get in, there’s no time to explain.

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again

We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.