Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer

My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.

Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?

20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

Every house has this drawer

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”