King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
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[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*