King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I’m not proud
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
