King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
