King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
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“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
black phone good
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.