Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.

That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

You can’t make this shit up 😩

(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..

*how I slept

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

Spring love is in the air!

*sprays repellent*

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.

If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

Oh hi lol

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.