Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere

– my 5yo, unprompted

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah

Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.

Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.

Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]

“Dammit!”

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.

Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

Me: Are you here to help me be a better person?

The Goat of Christmas Past: Baaa!

Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?

Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!

Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.