Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The enemy of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy is Kevin Bacon

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.

What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.

What should we call our new store?

“Will we sell pottery?”

No.

“Is it in a barn?”

No.

“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”

Hell, I love it Carl.

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*

carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*

me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.

Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.