Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

90’s style insults need to come back.

Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.

I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.

Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?

I’ve named my couch American Idle.

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers