Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine

A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

mom: please, please just go play with the other children

christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

Laundry:

Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?

Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”

Actually I am.

“WHAT”

APRIL FOOLS!

“Whew”

I’m technically a serial killer.

Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.

“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?