Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38

(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.

Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.

Wife: *fans herself*

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.