Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
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My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
cyclists
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?