Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so single…..

When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.

So after 75 long days, this week is finally over

Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?

I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.

The system crashes on its own.

The human race is saved by shitty programming.

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans

This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼‍♀️

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%

A scary book should be called a boOoOok.

“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.

“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*