Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!

Hurricane. It’s fine.

Broken foot. Still fine.

Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.

Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.

me logging onto twitter

*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

sugar glider wrangler

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months

VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over

It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave

My kids: what are we having for…

ME: LEFTOVERS

Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.