Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.

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I don’t think none of Christopher Nolan’s ex girlfriends know how the hell it ended.


just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant


therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning


[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars


There are few problems in life that can’t be sorted by slowing down, taking a deep breath, and THEN drawing winged eyeliner on a raccoon.


I have an outstanding credit score and even know a dude named Tanner but I’m still not white enough to drink pumpkin beer.


My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.


ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking


A box of Cadbury creme eggs just propositioned me. Now we’re in a van together.