@GrowlyGrego

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

You Might Also Like

@RealFartShady

I don’t think none of Christopher Nolan’s ex girlfriends know how the hell it ended.

@KimmyMonte

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

@Browtweaten

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

@notacroc

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

@Jill_Doe_

There are few problems in life that can’t be sorted by slowing down, taking a deep breath, and THEN drawing winged eyeliner on a raccoon.

@DaHess1

I have an outstanding credit score and even know a dude named Tanner but I’m still not white enough to drink pumpkin beer.

@TheAndrewNadeau

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

@FilthyRichmond

A box of Cadbury creme eggs just propositioned me. Now we’re in a van together.