Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
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my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
*sewing*
A thread
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.