Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.

*me being romantic*

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger

I need better friends

me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?

[5:30 AM alarm goes off]

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🍩

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.

He’s an artificial sweetner.

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm