Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

Strangers have the best candy.

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.

Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.

Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

me: can i buy you a drink?

her: i’m getting married at 5

me: cool so we have 2 hours

If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.

My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

Ominous sub-editing fail of the day

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.