Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible

I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair

*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?

My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.

Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”

Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.

I wish I could veto my bills.

Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again

[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*

“I…am…a…vegan”

me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!

boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course

me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

[first day as a waiter]

Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.

Me: ME TOO.

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.

COP: please step out of your vehicle

ME: finally *leaves body*

Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.

Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.

LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want