Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
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Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Have a lovely day 😊
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.