Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.

One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

[first day being homeless]

What thread count are these newspapers?

I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

I’d rather fork than spoon.

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.