Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

A little too much information.

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions

*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!

Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.

when you are just born a rebel

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

ENTER PASSWORD.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

RESET PASSWORD.

NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.

sets fire to computer

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Lil’ Jon: WHAT

Priest: you say “I do”

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I do

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I DO

Lil’ Jon: YEAH!