[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
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*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.