Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

You learn something every day

Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.

The grumpy one is crab B.

Whoops

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success

“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*

Wish all of my viruses were this polite

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms

This pepper has seen some $h1t.

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.