[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
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hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.