Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?

Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!

Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.

[at a mattress store]

sales assistant: what size are you looking for?

me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

Foot f**ish should just be called feetish

him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?

me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

(my very first day as President)

Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?

Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.