Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”

Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT

If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.

Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

My dryer is celebrating lint.

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.