Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-

“Honey, you’re wrong.”

Brain: I give up.

[Intruder breaking into my house]

Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off

Him: Huh?

Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start

Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off

Me: *tightening karate belt* I know

When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?

When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”

Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.