Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
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Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I have obtained a hat
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
It’s a gift
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”