Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
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What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I misspelled ‘I’m unstoppable’ and my phone autocorrected to ‘I’m unstable’ and honestly, that’s fair.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.