Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

[job interview]

him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol

Living every minute with impostor syndrome anxiety, dreading the day the other librarians discover I don’t have any cats or any cardigans.

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

this is how life feels

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

Take 9 seconds. Be this happy

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!

If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

(2022)

Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

shampoo implies shampee

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.