[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
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So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
North and South
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually